"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."Mitch Hedberg on Edmund Burke
"It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come."Mitch Hedberg on Dalai Lama
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."Mitch Hedberg on Albert Einstein
"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."Mitch Hedberg on Anne Frank
"When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion."Mitch Hedberg on Abraham Lincoln
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"