"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."Mitch Hedberg on Robert Frost
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."Mitch Hedberg on Buddha
"Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too."Mitch Hedberg on Will Smith
"Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it."Mitch Hedberg on Sai Baba
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."Mitch Hedberg on George Bernard Shaw
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"