"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."
"A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."Mitch Hedberg on Eleanor Roosevelt
"I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot."Mitch Hedberg on Marilyn Monroe
"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."Mitch Hedberg on Friedrich Nietzsche
"The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles."Mitch Hedberg on Ralph Waldo Emerson
"As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot."Mitch Hedberg on John Lennon
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"