"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
"Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances."Mitch Hedberg on Thomas Jefferson
"Rather be dead than cool."Mitch Hedberg on Kurt Cobain
"All women do have a different sense of sexuality, or sense of fun, or sense of like what's sexy or cool or tough."Mitch Hedberg on Angelina Jolie
"Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes."Mitch Hedberg on Walt Whitman
"It's really kind of cool to have solar panels on your roof."Mitch Hedberg on Bill Gates
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."