"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
"Great minds discuss ideas average minds discuss events small minds discuss people."Mitch Hedberg on Eleanor Roosevelt
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."Mitch Hedberg on Albert Einstein
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."Mitch Hedberg on William Shakespeare
"One sees great things from the valley only small things from the peak."Mitch Hedberg on Gilbert K. Chesterton
"All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope."Mitch Hedberg on Winston Churchill
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"