"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"Sometimes I think my husband is so amazing that I don't know why he's with me. I don't know whether I'm good enough. But if I make him happy, then I'm everything I want to be."Mitch Hedberg on Angelina Jolie
"If you tell people where to go, but not how to get there, you'll be amazed at the results."Mitch Hedberg on George S. Patton
"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit."Mitch Hedberg on Harry S. Truman
"If you set goals and go after them with all the determination you can muster, your gifts will take you places that will amaze you."Mitch Hedberg on Les Brown
"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."Mitch Hedberg on Conan O'Brien
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."