"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
"Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present."Mitch Hedberg on Roger Babson
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."Mitch Hedberg on Abraham Lincoln
"Lost time is never found again."Mitch Hedberg on Benjamin Franklin
"Patience and time do more than strength or passion."Mitch Hedberg on Jean de La Fontaine
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is."Mitch Hedberg on C. S. Lewis
"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?"