"Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Norm MacDonald on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Norm MacDonald on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Norm MacDonald on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Norm MacDonald on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Norm MacDonald on Elbert Hubbard
"It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude."
"I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world."
"I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone."