"When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Paul Merton on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Paul Merton on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Paul Merton on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Paul Merton on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Paul Merton on Elbert Hubbard
"I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it."
"When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won."