"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Paula Poundstone on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Paula Poundstone on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Paula Poundstone on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Paula Poundstone on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Paula Poundstone on Elbert Hubbard
"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
"I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe."
"I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family."
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"