"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
"My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her."Paula Poundstone on George Washington
"The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children."Paula Poundstone on Jessica Lange
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."Paula Poundstone on Mark Twain
"Men are what their mothers made them."Paula Poundstone on Ralph Waldo Emerson
"My mother said to me, 'If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.' Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso."Paula Poundstone on Pablo Picasso
"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings."
"I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe."
"I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family."