"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."Rita Rudner on Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."Rita Rudner on Groucho Marx
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."Rita Rudner on Erma Bombeck
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."Rita Rudner on Plato
"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."Rita Rudner on Erma Bombeck
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
"I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again."
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."