"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Rita Rudner on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Rita Rudner on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Rita Rudner on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Rita Rudner on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Rita Rudner on Elbert Hubbard
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
"I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again."
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."