"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."Rita Rudner on Mignon McLaughlin
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."Rita Rudner on Socrates
"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."Rita Rudner on Friedrich Nietzsche
"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."Rita Rudner on Oscar Wilde
"Don't marry the person you think you can live with marry only the individual you think you can't live without."Rita Rudner on James C. Dobson
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
"I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again."
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."