"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."Rita Rudner on Abraham Lincoln
"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."Rita Rudner on Winston Churchill
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."Rita Rudner on Robert A. Heinlein
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."Rita Rudner on Sigmund Freud
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself."Rita Rudner on Josh Billings
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
"I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again."
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."