"A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego."
"My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her."Roseanne Barr on George Washington
"The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children."Roseanne Barr on Jessica Lange
"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."Roseanne Barr on Mark Twain
"Men are what their mothers made them."Roseanne Barr on Ralph Waldo Emerson
"My mother said to me, 'If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope.' Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso."Roseanne Barr on Pablo Picasso
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?"
"As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job."
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job."
"My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel."
"Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce."