"Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce."
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."Roseanne Barr on Mignon McLaughlin
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."Roseanne Barr on Socrates
"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."Roseanne Barr on Friedrich Nietzsche
"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."Roseanne Barr on Oscar Wilde
"Don't marry the person you think you can live with marry only the individual you think you can't live without."Roseanne Barr on James C. Dobson
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?"
"As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job."
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job."
"My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel."
"A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego."