"When I was younger I wanted to be a big movie star who'd get to be funny on talk shows and then I wanted to retire and write science fiction."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Scott Thompson on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Scott Thompson on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Scott Thompson on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Scott Thompson on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Scott Thompson on Elbert Hubbard
"In France, everyone speaks French 'cause they think it's cool. Gives 'em, gives 'em an excuse to smoke."
"I'm not really cool, or dashing, or any of those things."
"When you are not treated seriously, you develop comically. Its sense of oneself is so fractured and fragile that it's like the picked-on kid who has to become funny."
"I think the Canadian sense of humor is dryer than America's and juicier than Britain's. I think it's a cross between the two of them, really."
"I think Canadian humor is a little less broad than American humor."