"It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Sloane Crosley on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Sloane Crosley on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Sloane Crosley on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Sloane Crosley on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Sloane Crosley on Elbert Hubbard
"You can't possibly fathom the ins and outs of a prepubescent beauty treatment until you've felt the strange but exhilarating tingle of a cottage-cheese-and-Pop-Rocks facial."
"Since graduation, I have measured time in 4-by-5-inch pieces of paper, four days on the left and three on the right. Every social engagement, interview, reading, flight, doctor's appointment, birthday and dry-cleaning reminder has been handwritten between metal loops."
"I'm a summer baby, so I usually have my birthday as a good summer memory."
"The Queen of Crafts herself, Martha Stewart, and I have the same birthday. I prefer to think it's the glue-gun wielding, perfect-tart-producing Martha and not the copper pan-throwing, jail-going Martha. But I suppose if I am going to share a calendar square with some of Martha, I have to share it with all of Martha."
"The year most of my high school friends and I got our driver's permits, the coolest thing one could do was stand outside after school and twirl one's car keys like a lifeguard whistle. That jingling sound meant freedom and power."