"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Spike Milligan on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Spike Milligan on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Spike Milligan on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Spike Milligan on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Spike Milligan on Elbert Hubbard
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
"I can speak Esperanto like a native."
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."