"And I think that if I were a for real celebrity that was recognizable everywhere, I'd just crawl under a rock and you know, have someone run over the rock with a car, or something."
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 MPG."Steve Burns on Bill Gates
"There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace."Steve Burns on Richard Pryor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."Steve Burns on Erma Bombeck
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."Steve Burns on Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."Steve Burns on Steven Wright
"I'm officially near-famous. If you've got four year old kids and you've got cable, then you've got no choice but to know who I am. But if you're one of my peers - a 26-year old guy who lives in Manhattan - you have no idea who I am. I'm only famous if you're four."
"When I was a kid, my mom used to run the vacuum cleaner, and the noise would bother me so much that I would run into the woods to calm down. I feel like that vacuum cleaner has been on since I moved to New York City."