"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."Steven Wright on Robert Frost
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."Steven Wright on Buddha
"Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too."Steven Wright on Will Smith
"Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it."Steven Wright on Sai Baba
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."Steven Wright on George Bernard Shaw
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."