"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"A joke is a very serious thing."Steven Wright on Winston Churchill
"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."Steven Wright on Mark Twain
"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."Steven Wright on William James
"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."Steven Wright on Mahatma Gandhi
"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road."Steven Wright on Henry Ward Beecher
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."