"How young can you die of old age?"
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."Steven Wright on Mark Twain
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."Steven Wright on Henry Ford
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."Steven Wright on Mark Twain
"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."Steven Wright on Kurt Vonnegut
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."Steven Wright on Robert Frost
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."