"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Steven Wright on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Steven Wright on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Steven Wright on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Steven Wright on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Steven Wright on Elbert Hubbard
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."