"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
"Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery."Steven Wright on Calvin Coolidge
"A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman."Steven Wright on Robert Frost
"Make crime pay. Become a lawyer."Steven Wright on Will Rogers
"Justice in the life and conduct of the State is possible only as first it resides in the hearts and souls of the citizens."Steven Wright on Plato
"People are getting smarter nowadays they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide."Steven Wright on Will Rogers
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."