"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
"Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country."Steven Wright on Margaret Thatcher
"A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body."Steven Wright on Benjamin Franklin
"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."Steven Wright on Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."Steven Wright on Bill Cosby
"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."Steven Wright on Robert Frost
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."