"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"God gave us the gift of life it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well."Steven Wright on Voltaire
"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."Steven Wright on Oprah Winfrey
"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."Steven Wright on Jim Valvano
"I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity."Steven Wright on Eleanor Roosevelt
"The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance."Steven Wright on Brian Tracy
"How young can you die of old age?"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."