"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
"Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side my greatest concern is to be on God's side, for God is always right."Steven Wright on Abraham Lincoln
"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls."Steven Wright on Mother Teresa
"When the solution is simple, God is answering."Steven Wright on Albert Einstein
"While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation."Steven Wright on Maya Angelou
"Never trust anyone completely but God. Love people, but put your full trust only in God."Steven Wright on Lawrence Welk
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."