"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."Steven Wright on Confucius
"All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence."Steven Wright on Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."Steven Wright on Thomas A. Edison
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."Steven Wright on Robert Frost
"Nothing will work unless you do."Steven Wright on Maya Angelou
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."