"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
"The empires of the future are the empires of the mind."Steven Wright on Winston Churchill
"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."Steven Wright on Oscar Wilde
"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."Steven Wright on Steve Jobs
"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."Steven Wright on Albert Einstein
"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."Steven Wright on William Shakespeare
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."