"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"
"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life now that I am old I know that it is."Steven Wright on Oscar Wilde
"A little thought and a little kindness are often worth more than a great deal of money."Steven Wright on John Ruskin
"Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants."Steven Wright on Benjamin Franklin
"The lack of money is the root of all evil."Steven Wright on Mark Twain
"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."Steven Wright on Mark Twain
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."