"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."Steven Wright on Abraham Lincoln
"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."Steven Wright on Winston Churchill
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."Steven Wright on Robert A. Heinlein
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."Steven Wright on Sigmund Freud
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself."Steven Wright on Josh Billings
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."