"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
"Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present."Steven Wright on Roger Babson
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."Steven Wright on Abraham Lincoln
"Lost time is never found again."Steven Wright on Benjamin Franklin
"Patience and time do more than strength or passion."Steven Wright on Jean de La Fontaine
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is."Steven Wright on C. S. Lewis
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."