"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."Steven Wright on Albert Einstein
"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men."Steven Wright on Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Science investigates religion interprets. Science gives man knowledge which is power religion gives man wisdom which is control."Steven Wright on Martin Luther King, Jr.
"No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right a single experiment can prove me wrong."Steven Wright on Albert Einstein
"Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss."Steven Wright on Ralph Waldo Emerson
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."