"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."Steven Wright on Dalai Lama
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."Steven Wright on Marcus Aurelius
"Prayer is the key of the morning and the bolt of the evening."Steven Wright on Mahatma Gandhi
"If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first."Steven Wright on Mark Twain
"Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it."Steven Wright on Kevyn Aucoin
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."