"Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Tom Lehrer on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Tom Lehrer on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Tom Lehrer on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Tom Lehrer on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Tom Lehrer on Elbert Hubbard
"It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years."
"When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex."
"My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun."
"Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize."