"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."W. C. Fields on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."W. C. Fields on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."W. C. Fields on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."W. C. Fields on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."W. C. Fields on Elbert Hubbard
"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."
"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."
"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."