"I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home."
"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."W. C. Fields on Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties."W. C. Fields on Helen Keller
"Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness."W. C. Fields on William Shakespeare
"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough."W. C. Fields on Mark Twain
"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time."W. C. Fields on James Agate
"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."
"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."
"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."