"When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Zach Galifianakis on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Zach Galifianakis on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Zach Galifianakis on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Zach Galifianakis on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Zach Galifianakis on Elbert Hubbard
"That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?"
"I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that."
"My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing."
"I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal."
"Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious."