Noel Gallagher's words of wisdom
The Oasis hitmaker's wittiest lines revealed!By Dave Lancaster |
08:30 01 September 2009
The Manc musician has grafted for decades to earn "legendary" status thanks to a back catalogue of timeless tunes.
However, the Burnage bad boy is just as famous for his scathing rants about everything from Pete Doherty to parenthood.
In a tribute to NME's "Wisest man in rock", crack open a can of Stella and have a laugh at some quintessential Noel quotes.
"We're not arrogant, we just believe we're the best band in the world."
"If we were the Beatles, I'd be a good George Harrison."
"Here's what you do - you pick up your guitar, you rip a few people's tunes off, you swap them round a bit, get your brother in the band, punch his head in every now and again, and it sells."
"We mean more to people than putting money in a church basket and saying 10 Hail Marys on a Sunday. Has God played Knebworth recently?"
"If you don't want to be the biggest band in the world, you may as well pack it in now."
"Vote Labour. If you don't and the Tories get in, Phil Collins is threatening to come back from Switzerland and live here - and none of us want that."
"Sure I love Liam, but not as much as I love Pot Noodles."
"We had a fight in March. Liam claims he won because he was drunk, but I claim I won because I had a cricket bat in my hand."
"No one gets Liam. Not even his wife gets him. And who would want to?"
"I'm not like John Lennon, who thought he was the great Almighty. I just think I'm John Lennon."
"I know I've got Irish blood because I wake up every day with a hangover."
"One of my goals is to stop wearing women's clothes. No, I didn't mean that."
"I do all the work so it's only right I should get the most money. Plus I am the most handsome."
"I don't steal whole songs. People should at least wait until I'm dead. I at least pay the people I steal from that courtesy."
ON OTHER STARS
"Phil Collins knows he can't say anything about me because I'm the f*****g b******s and that's the thing that does his head in. And the fact that he's bald."
"Kylie Minogue is just a demonic little idiot. She doesn't even have a good name. It's a stupid name, Kylie, isn't it?"
"The Backstreet Boys? They should be shot." (TO Michael Hutchence when he presented Oasis with a Brit Award in 1996)
"Has-beens shouldn't be presenting awards to gonna-bes."
"I went to Paul McCartney's daughter Stella's party and who should open the door but the man himself. He was dead cool. There were all these questions I wanted to ask him but I settled on 'Do you watch Brookside?'"
"Robbie Williams is just the fat dancer from Take That."
"Keane? Traditionally speaking, the three biggest t**ts in any band are the singer, the keyboardist and the drummer. Need I say more?"
ON THE ROCK 'N' ROLL LIFESTYLE
"I came from a s***hole in Manchester, right, so it was all brilliant to me. Even touring in a transit van was better than being in my flat. Then when we got a deal, we were like: 'Bring it on!' I wanted the big hairdo, big shades, big car, big house, swimming pool, jet, drug habit, a mirrored top hat and a chimp. All of it."
"By the time you get to Be Here Now, we're the biggest band in the world and you just try to second guess everything. You stop doing what comes naturally and you start to act like you're the biggest band in the world. You start wearing fur coats and sunglasses to breakfast and all that."
"Me and Bonehead would just walk into a hotel room and empty it out the window."
"We've got a rule in the band - no matter what trouble you're going to get into, never get arrested in a country that doesn't use your own alphabet. Get arrested anywhere that uses your alphabet and you're basically all right. But if you get arrested in a country that uses squiggles or a box or a line instead of proper letters, you're f***ed, mate, you're never coming home."
"What would you rather read? 'The guy from Keane's been to a rabbit sanctuary 'cos one of the rabbits needed a kidney implant, so he swapped his with it' or 'Liam Gallagher sets fire to policeman in cocaine madness while Noel runs down Oxford Street nude'?"
"As soon as people realise that the majority of people in this country take drugs, then the better off we'll all be. It's not like a scandalous sensation or anything like that. Drugs is like getting up and having a cup of tea in the morning."
"I stand in the queue at Waitrose. More rock stars should do that. The staff in my local Waitrose are really blase about me now. They'll be like, 'Him? Oh, he's in here all the f*****g time. And between me and you, he doesn't eat very well.'"
ON BEING A DAD
"My daughter's the spitting image of me, which is not a good thing for a little girl."
"She'll go to the local posh school but it won't be grooming her for stardom or anything, she'll be a lawyer. Or, hopefully, she'll be a lawyer who doubles as a doctor - then she can f*** up operations and not be a***d about getting sued."
"I've got everything I want. I could go and buy two of everything now but that just gets boring."
"Go out and buy the album, lads, I need to build another car park for the helicopter."
"Americans just fundamentally do not get it. That is the one thing about Yanks, right? They. Do. Not. Get. It. Whatever it is, they don't f*****g get it."
ON LIVE 8
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but are they hoping that one of these guys from the G8 is on a quick 15-minute break at Gleneagles and sees Annie Lennox singing Sweet Dreams and thinks, 'F*** me, she might have a point there, you know?'"
ON THAT DOWNING STREET PARTY
"I don't feel any shame about that. The picture's a bit s*** because I have a glass of champagne in my hand. And I was wearing a cheap suit and that's not f*****g like me. But I have no regrets about going. I was only in my 20s at the time, and I thought, 'He wants to meet ME? Well, f*****g bring it on.'"
"Wow, what an afternoon! Of all the NME awards this one has certainly been the most... recent."